Luck has nothing to do with it.

We made a quilt for our soon to be daughter-in-law. Engaged to our oldest son, Kaden. She fits right in and we adore her. If you have known me for awhile, then you know that I am very close to my family. There are 28 of us in my immediate family on my side. We all live next door to each other, my two sisters and parents are all neighbors. We worked together in the same business for 18 years AND I am currently partners with my husband and now my daughters. 

We OFTEN get comments about how could we possibly work together and still be friends? How can you live next to each other? WHYYY? How? And a host of other inquiries with remarks like “I could never work with or live next to my family”. Then shared with handful of horror stories and bad experiences…usually followed with “you guys are lucky!” 

I will simply say there is no judgment from anyone of us IF you could never work with or live next you family - what works for some certainly doesn't always work for others.

WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE? Luck has NOTHING to do with it. 

We WORK at our family dynamic. We are fully committed to doing THE WORK when it calls for it. We have parents who taught us by example. I want to share a few reasons and TOOLS why it works, why it has always worked and how we are teaching the next generation by example. It didn't just happen by accident and it hasn't been without challenges. Those challenges can build grit, grace and a deep rooted foundation of love, if you allow them to.

Conversation/communication:

We are committed to being open and willing to have the CONVERSATION no matter how heavy it might feel. Do we argue, disagree or battle someone's position or choice? Dang straight we have. YET, we talk it out. We seek to understand. We talk when we don't want to. We know when things need to simmer. We know when it can't wait. We know conversations can get really ugly before we see clarity. We know that frustration brews, that perspectives and views don't always align. We talk, we talk, we talk about ALL of it. Sometimes we simply choose to agree to disagree because there is no resolve AND we we do that because we respect and value our long term goals in the relationship.

Long term goals:

This means that we WANT a long term relationship with each other. Therefore, it bears to consider in those fiery moments how important is the discussion or disagreement at hand? Do you want to blow up the boat forever and burn it down or build a bridge to find middle ground and understanding? Bottom line; there is A CHOICEPOINT and you get to decide in the middle of a storm if being right is more important than being open and protecting the heart of the relationship. This doesn't mean we “cover it up” or “bury it” = it means we consider ALL the options and which direction moves you FORWARD is the way through.

Empathy:

Empathy works so well because it doesn't require a solution. It  requires only understanding. It's a game changer when you put your weapon down and seek to understand.

Unconditional love:

To fully love WITHOUT condition. 

Family time/FUN:

We make each other a priority. We don't take it for granted because we live or work together that we “see” each other. We intentionally plan trips, gatherings, dinners and all the things that create together time. We know personal hobbies and loves each hold dear and SUPPORT EACH OTHER in that as much as we can. We SHOW UP for each other. We are family, AND we cultivate the friendships; we genuinely LIKE each other.

I hope this few TOOLS help you in your relationships like it has ours and then you can build on them with important values that work for your family. I am very proud of our family and what we have built. It's so big and beautiful NOT BECAUSE WE ARE LUCKY. It fills my cup and I am BEYOND GRATEFUL for the ability to co-create with our circle a bond that is TRULY DEEP and loving. Watching our children with their sibling and cousin dynamic work through their challenges has been a testament to the example we have provided. Our children are ALWAYS paying attention whether you believe it or not! 

If you feel like this isn't possible for your story in the moment, that's ok - perhaps these tools can assist you in relationships that haven't been created yet. Perhaps YOU want to be the chain breaker and start a new pattern or behavior. The change can start with YOU. It only takes one movement in the right direction WITH GOOD INTENTION to create a different story. 

If you are seeking change. Change is seeking you. It's universal law.

And for heaven's sake, don't leave here today with the assumption that it's all unicorns and rainbows over here at the Devenish home. We have other close family relationships that didn't cross the bridge. My hubby and I KNOW much heartache and pain from broken relationships where there is no common ground, we don't align, deep conversation is avoided and doesn't happen, some walk away at the first sign of adversity, where there no intent to seek understanding and there is love WITH condition. 

… that is why I hold these tools so dear to my heart. They work, if you work them.

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